Every Story has a beginning. This one began on a Clear night in the West Highlands of Scotland on Tuesday, April 21st 2020.

I’m in my Garden on a clear spring night, eagerly anticipating the Lyrids Meteor shower. I’m with my wife and 10-year-old daughter, with the latter snuggled up with me and her blanket. The Sky is Crisp, and as the blue slowly fades onto the horizon, one by one we see the Sky start to switch on. Millions of Twinkling stars now above us as we look for the one part of our life that is Missing. Our Son, Kyle.

11 years ago, our Journey began into Parenthood. The Short-lived Joy after our perfect little Boy came into the world asleep. Our world simply crashed around us. Our last 11 years have been a rollercoaster and our Blue-eyed Boy has been an integral part of it. He has inspired us and shown us how to be better human beings. We have his Special little sister and of course, his brave Mummy beat cancer. Quite a Journey in the World we once knew.

As we sat and watched the Glistening Sky smiling back at us, our eyes captured the most magnificent Shooting star. The small gasp in the splendour was a moment I will bottle and keep forever as I witnessed her close her eyes and “Make a wish”. This was when reality hit me. We have forever looked to the Stars for our one that shines bright. Our symbol of hope. Tonight in this perfect setting, we didn’t just see our Star. We saw Millions Shining back at a world that is unrecognisable from just a few short months ago. A world witnessing a Pandemic unknown to this generation. Unprecedented times for humanity. A Life of Lockdown.

It’s not the same as World War 2 that we have seen so much about. We are not in hiding from bombs but from an invisible enemy. We are losing the simple liberties that we have all taken for granted since our forefathers gave their own lives on the beaches of Normandy and beyond to ensure we could live the life they would never see. Families now in their 6th week of separation, Children’s laughter no longer echoing around the streets and our High streets now deserted apart from the necessity of Food shopping. Even during the years of the Cold War, we didn’t see a deep Freeze on our lives as brought by Covid-19.

Those Stars staring back at us have been our symbol of hope for 11 years. This hope won’t just belong to our family as we face a 1st Birthday in 11 years not seeing Kyle. This will be affecting the families of all those little stars waving back at us. Now more than ever we are in this together in this new world and Life under Lockdown. This isn’t just Kyle’s Story. This belongs to all of us.

This is part one of some inspirational stories that deserve to be heard.

Lockdown

“I’m currently furloughed and it’s the longest I’ve been off my work since I was 17. I’ve been off longer now than I was when Sofia passed away,” Robert tells me. “.We haven’t been to her grave since the Sunday before the lockdown started. It hurts! Every Sunday since the end of 2015 she had a visitor, I feel like I’ve left my little girl outside and I can’t get to her”

We have been friends for 4 years now since meeting whilst raising awareness for our kids. Robert, KellyLouise and of course Sofia have become a huge part of our life and I would encourage anyone to read his blog. http://www.264hoursforsofia.wordpress.com

Robert added, “Lockdown has been weird for us to be honest. Yes, it’s been absolutely hard. Not seeing grandparents and doing our day to day things. No soft play for Angelo, no baby sensory for Lucia. Angelo cried when my Mum phoned one night because he missed his gran so much.”

Sofia’s story, in particular, we will touch upon later as the world deserves to know a little more about this quite incredible girl and the footprint she is leaving behind.

Sentiments echoed by Shelley and her journey so far without her little one, Bailey-Jo.

Shelley shares, “During lockdown it has been so hard because it was Bailey’s anniversary on the 29th of March, and we were not allowed to go home for lockdown reasons. It’s been difficult during this time and I have some days where all I do is cry and question if I will ever be a Mum”

Shelley has tragically suffered 6 Miscarriages and 1 “Ectopic” pregnancy prior to giving birth to Bailey-Jo. An ectopic pregnancy occurs when a fertilized egg implants and grows outside the main cavity of the uterus. It can be fatal to the Mother if not treated promptly.

Shelley goes on to say, “First time in my life I heard the words “congratulations Mummy here is your baby” I heard the heartbeat. The nerves totally disappeared and all that filled me was love and excitement! Got given the first photo of our little miracle! Went home and all I did was rest, was scared to do anything. Having 7 previous losses made me a nervous wreck.

“5 weeks had passed, and it was time for our other scan, I couldn’t wait to hear the heartbeat again and see my baby. The cold jelly was applied again, and I looked at the nurse with a massive smile on my face. Something was wrong, something wasn’t right. The nurses face dropped and at that point, I knew something was not how it should be. I said “is everything ok,” she said “let me just go and get a doctor and I’ll be back in a second” that 5 minutes she was away felt like an hour. The doctor came in looked at the screen and said: “I’m sorry Shelley but your baby isn’t where it should be.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was having another ectopic! I questioned about the baby being in the correct place at my first scan, but the doctor looked and actually the baby wasn’t in the correct place. This could have killed me, and I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. An hour later I was in surgery having my baby removed. The healing process was ok and 4 weeks passed when I got a phone call from the hospital and their words were “Shelley your baby is ready to collect” I went to collect baby and I received a beautiful box with so many lovely things in it! It made it feel that little bit better receiving something to beautiful.”

From England and back to the Highlands of Scotland and Louise shares her life under Lockdown in Aviemore with her family and in particular her Son Malachy.

“At 11am on 25th November 2009, Malachy was born into this world. He opened his eyes and I looked directly into them. I will always remember those beautiful brown eyes, as it was the only time I got to before he was whisked away to SCBU. Little did I know it would be the only time he would open them. 6 hours and 15 minutes later he took his last breath and peacefully passed away in my arms. I was in complete denial.

“Fast forward over 10 years. Did I think I would get here? Honestly …. no. Grief is strange, it surrounds you, its grabs hold of you when you least expect it. I yearn to hold my baby again.

“His funeral was in a beautiful tiny Chapel on the grounds at Belladrum. Many of you will know it as the place that ‘Belladrum weddings’ happen during the festival. He was laid to rest in a beautiful white willow basket, Willie carried him into the Chapel and to his resting place. His big brothers organised a piper and played ‘Dark Island’. We laid him to rest in Kilvean cemetery so he could play in the playground with all the other babies he joined. If we had buried him in our village we would have never left.”

I met Louise a few years ago, along with Robert, who both of them volunteer for SiMBA charity and raise crucial awareness in memory of their children and also thousands of pounds in the process with the work they do. You can see their work on their website http://www.simbacharity.org.uk and I would urge anyone to have a look at the work they do.

On Lockdown, Louise added further about the challenges her family have faced in this strange new time we find ourselves in. “We now find ourselves in lockdown and all I want to do now is visit his graveside. Tend to the weeds, to say a few words, to cry. It’s funny how you look at things differently when a situation is forced upon you when your choice is taken away, but it’s a temporary thing. When this is all over, we’ll visit him, tend to those weeds, tell him what’s been going on, and perhaps cry, but most importantly, we’ll tell him that we love him, and we always will.”

Susan from Argyll speaks of her life near Oban, just a short Drive from myself in Fort William.

Susan adds,” We are blessed with 4 daughters ~ Charis is 15, Alex is 12, Niamh is 11 and Eilidh Beth is 9. Sadly, Alex and Eilidh Beth celebrate every birthday in Heaven.

“As I write this it is 36 days since our girls set foot in their schools … 36 days since they saw their friends, peers and teachers … 36 days since we did the 30 minute school run to Dunbeg Primary & Oban High School … 36 days since I set foot in my workplace … 36 days since I last saw the smiling faces of my students … 36 days since I last sat having my morning coffee with my team at school … 34 days since we last visited my parents & brother … 34 days since my husband & children got in the car and left the village … 36 days since we experienced a ‘normal’ day. These are unprecedented times ~ our girls are experiencing living history, a time that their children will learn about in school ~ the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Pandemic.

“And what about the fear of contracting COVID-19? Would they be level-headed like their living sisters, who, on the whole, try not to stress too much about contracting it, and only really worry when I go to work? Or would they be terrified, wondering if they were going to catch it? I also wonder about Eilidh Beth, who has Down’s Syndrome, and her vulnerability to COVID-19 ~ would she be more at risk, would she be in the shielding group?”

On the thoughts of restrictions in place about memorials and anniversaries, Susan shared her experience on this with her girls and the situation her family find themselves in.

“Hubby, the girls and I got up at 5am this morning, choosing to take our daily exercise then to welcome in the sunrise. As we left the house to walk along to the local cemetery, my thoughts turned to those who are unable to visit their loved one’s graves due to travel restrictions. For so many, especially for parents who have lost a child, that weekly or monthly visit to their loved one’s grave is an incredible source of comfort and strength, giving them a sense of connection to their loved one. Not being able to visit a grave, or special place, can have negative consequences on our grief journey, so at times like this it’s vital to find other ways to mark their memory, and to talk to others who understand the pain of not visiting their special place.

“We don’t have a grave for Alex and Eilidh Beth – we don’t know what happened to Alex’s remains and we chose cremation for Eilidh Beth because we knew eventually we would be moving from Inverness to Argyll, so we didn’t want to leave her there. So, we have never had a grave to visit, our special place was first the Inverness Tree of Tranquillity, then the Oban one. We are accustomed to finding other ways to remember them and take comfort in the countryside that we have ready access to. We take comfort in our belief that we will one day be reunited with our girls, that they run free with the angels in Heaven, not a care in the world, content. We take comfort that they are not experiencing the fear of this world.”

Opening up as a bereaved parent is one of the hardest things you can face in life. When you add on the social stereotyping we face, for a Father it can be particularly tough to open up as we are meant to “look after the family” or “be the strong one” I have openly spoken of this now for a few years and I can assure you the comfort I take and the strength I find come from other Parents coming forwards also. One of them is Danny, who shares how life is under covid19 without his little boy Daniel and also facing an anniversary along with his wife Angela and 4-year-old son Cameron.

Danny says, “Every year just before April, I seem to have a memory block. It’s the same thing every year, and I’m not even sure why it happens. But while my late son Daniel’s birthday 3rd April- will be etched in my mind forever, it’s like my mind forces it out until as late as possible. Maybe it’s a subconscious coping mechanism, I’m not sure. But I’ll see his birthday pop up on my calendar and it goes in and out of my mind as easily as the British holidays marked in it –St George’s day or Bank Holiday Monday.

“Then a few days before, it all stops, and I get a feeling of reliving that weekend we lost him all over again. I know it’s looming and I’m standing like a rabbit in the headlights once more. Reliving the moment Angela’s waters broke on Friday, her in agony the whole weekend, giving birth in the house, the hospital again and finally breaking down in my mum’s arms in the Victoria A&E waiting room in front of dozens of people… and so on. It’s the one part of the experience I haven’t got to grips with entirely. Reliving the feelings is horrible.

“But I think it’s just how I cope with grief; I am pretty similar when my Mum and Dad’s anniversaries approach but I have accepted them better-their final days were expected and easier to come to terms with”

Danny echoes my own thoughts as the 1st May Day Bank Holiday approaches fast. This was when we had the painful news that our own little Boy was asleep and is the start of the trigger mechanism for the memories to flood back. A time of year that is difficult enough already without these new restrictions we all face. The coping mechanisms we have become accustomed to or indeed look to try are now removed. It’s not easy and you can suffer the most anguished thoughts.

Danny continued “We have a little plaque on a toadstool in a crematorium near East Kilbride. Daniel’s is right next to Ellie, his cousin who was sadly taken from her Mum in similar circumstances.

“We visit the crematorium, tidy up the area, put new trinkets/flowers down, tell him what’s up in the world, and let Cameron say hi (Cameron is my son who is almost 4). My wife has other family at the crematorium so she pays her respects, we get back in the car, chill out for a bit at home then get a table at a local restaurant to have our steak pie and raise a glass to his memory.

“Cameron tends to go to his Gran’s on those nights, and Angela and I light candles in his, his brother’s and other babies’ memory. We used to let off a sky lantern or balloon too, but we’ve been more environmentally conscious about that in recent years.

“Sometimes I don’t go to the crematorium, sometimes not to dinner, but in general we try to do something together and those are the things which tend to happen.

“All very normal, as normal can be for grieving our lost boy. But this year, that whole process has been turned on its head. Covid-19 has swept the planet and has had a jarring effect on every aspect of life as we know it. The crematorium isn’t open except for funerals with restricted numbers and social distancing in full effect, so paying our respects isn’t an option. All I can think of is how untidy his little bit must be. It sounds minor and I don’t get to visit often but it’s the simple things which hurt the most.

“And of course, pubs and restaurants are closed, so going for a Croft steak pie simply isn’t an option either. And Cameron, who is 4 next month, can’t go to his Gran’s either. So, there’s really little part of the day that we could keep in a normal sense.

“Instead we just had a “new normal” day. I pushed it to the back of my mind more, went into autopilot, looked after my wife, Cameron, the dog. But I’ve regretted it since but in my mind, I keep thinking I should have done something else. But what? His and Ellie’s toadstool is where he is when we go to talk to him. Dinner – I think I cooked. Or we got Chinese, I really can’t remember. It came and passed like any normal day. And that annoys me about it because it was so unremarkable, I keep feeling like I’d let him down. And let my wife down.”

Danny bravely opens up about his “mind”. Mental health for bereaved parents is crucial. In the “Taboo” world we find ourselves in, many simply remain silent for the fear of the stigma that is attached to them. Counselling services provided by charities are a crucial lifeline to those who need that little bit of friendship at their time of need. SANDS (Still-Birth and Neonatal Death Charity) and Held in our Hearts are vital with the services they provide.

Statistics from Sands show that Sadly, the death of a baby is not a rare event: around 14 babies die before, during or soon after birth every day in the UK.

Stillbirths:

In the UK in 2018, around 1 in every 250 births was a stillbirth. In total there were 2,929 stillbirths. That’s around eight babies stillborn every day.
Around one-third of stillbirths happen after 37 weeks of pregnancy.
Stillbirths account for more than half of the deaths of infants under one year in the UK.
Stillbirth rates remained largely unchanged from the late 1990s to 2011. From 2012 the rate started to fall. But more deaths could be prevented.

Neonatal deaths:

In the UK in 2018, 2,020 babies died within the first four weeks of life. That’s one baby in every 360 births
The number of babies who die in the neonatal period (the first 28 days after birth) has dropped over the last decade, largely because of advances in medical knowledge and clinical care. But recently the mortality rate has plateaued.

Here are some of the figures direct from http://www.sands.org.uk website that shows the number of families impacted alone by Child loss.

Definitions:
A stillborn baby is one who has died before or during birth, at or after 24 weeks of pregnancy.
A neonatal death happens in the first 28 days after birth.
Stillbirths and baby deaths that happen in the first seven days of life, are sometimes counted together and called perinatal deaths.

This is why, hearing other parents Like Danny, Robert, Louise, Shelley & Susan speak up is so important. to break down barriers and allow the Charities like SANDS & Held In our Hearts http://www.heldinourhearts.org.uk to offer the counselling services they do. I will list some links at the end of this blog.

Danny continues to explain how life under lockdown affects us all differently: “I have coped okay all the same, but I have not opened up to anyone about how I’m feeling. I think that’s probably been as big a problem for me as being unable to go see Daniel’s plaque or take my wife for dinner. But it’s adjusting to all this that’s happening which may be a mild inconvenience to most but pulling the rug from under you in terms of how you cope with certain things.”

As challenging as Covid19 is proving for all of us, we do have an inner resilience. When you lose a child in a way you can become numb to certain other situations. I say this from someone who recently lost their Father. The Experience of arranging Kyles Funeral 11 years ago undoubtedly gave me the inner strength to cope with losing my Father. The same applies to Covid 19. Its undoubtedly difficult, and as Danny quite rightly says, it may be a breeze for some, but everyone is fighting a different battle. The words “Be Kind” could not be more apt right now.

One thing I have taken from this journey is I have always been a “glass half full” type of person. Its heart warming when you look for inspiration and you see it in abundance. Rainbows have become the national symbol of hope in this crisis. For myself and many other bereaved parents, it has been our symbol of hope for many years. I have previously spoken of my Boy and the signs we take every time we see a Robin, a shooting star or indeed that precious Rainbow. A Rainbow baby is often the term used to describe the birth of a child into a family that has followed a loss. It is the hope many hold onto although it must sadly be said that not every family who yearn another child, can have one.

I try to focus on the hopes and dreams we share in this uncertain world. I will come to that later but first I will share the inspiration of my friends.

Robert shares, “I can tell you all the negatives in the world but I’m trying to see the positives, tomorrow is KellyLouise’s birthday and we are going have some nice cake and a brilliant lunch and have a play in the garden. Also, I’m getting to know my kids better, I’m playing football and interacting with my son every day all day. My first full day in the house after the lockdown was announce my baby daughter. Lucia kept looking at me as if to say why are you home! She kept smiling and the last five weeks I’ve been getting to see that big smile all day and it makes me smile. I’m lucky, I’m at home with two out of three of my children and my best friend KellyLouise. We miss Sofia every day, but we know she is looking out for us! I can’t wait till the day when I can go outside and see Sofia”

What Robert didn’t add was how much he has given in the name of Sofia. At 22 weeks and 3 days, his little girl came into the world. Robert & his family have raised awareness for Child loss admirably. Their football tournaments have raised thousands of pounds for SiMBA as well as bringing parents together through a love of football. A Love we both share of Glasgow Rangers. This Father has tirelessly campaigned for the debate to be opened on Viability as Sofia in the eyes of the law missed out on being classed as a Still-birth by a mere matter of hours. I know this family and they will not give up without a fight, and they will win.

For Shelley, she has shared these touching words. “I’m a key worker and if I never had work to go to, I would be in a worse position than I am in just now. It’s been very hard! Now because of my 2 ectopics, my only option is IVF so hopefully one day in the future I will have someone call me Mum”

I’m going to add my own personal sentiments on Shelley’s Story. Someone who has suffered not the loss of a child once, but 8 times would be enough to keep anyone down. Not this lady. her closing words being “so hopefully one day in the future I will have someone call me mum”. Even in her darkest hour, there is still hope shining through. That positivity is inspiring and incredible to see. Shelley is also a Keyworker. Putting her health on the line to help the country. You are a hero and I’m sure I echo many other opinions when I say thank you for your service.

Louise also has a positivity that is always evident. Every time you meet her or see her Social media posts, it’s forever a can-do attitude that lifts you when you have had a bad day yourself.

Louise also added “Willie and I have always had different feelings about his graveside. We got him a beautiful slate stone and family and friends leave him mementoes. I always felt disconnected at the graveside, I felt that it wasn’t him. His spirit had left him, but now it lives in his siblings and our hearts. Every butterfly, rainbow and Robin we see is as a sign of him saying “Hello, I’m thinking of you”.

“I will never stop grieving for our beautiful boy, but I am moving forward. I’m moving forward with him in my heart, he is part of our lives and always will be. We create memories. I always remember when Mia, our rainbow baby, asked the mountain cafe for a table with 6 seats, an extra one for Malachy in case he wants to join us. Malachy’s siblings know who he is, they know he is their older brother, they know he died. I hope and pray that they never have to experience that horrible feeling of leaving the maternity unit with no child, of losing their firstborn or the constant thinking of ‘what if’.

Louise’s last point is humbling and an honour to post on her behalf. The love that she has shown has rubbed off on her other children. The simplest gesture from Mia for her older brother should give hope and encouragement to each and every one of us. Children really can show the world how to act with Kindness, we could learn so much more from them.

Louise and her family have brought a lot of love and compassion to the Highlands. we are remote and do not have the same facilities in the larger cities. We do not have access to Counselling services as freely or any assistance when it comes to Child bereavement. Louise is a lifeline in her rural community. Not just for her support group but the Butterfly release she organises annually to bring other families together. Another shining example that Grief does not define you but can bring out the absolute best in you in the worst situation. I will attest that these releases are often poignant and a beautiful way of coming together.

Lastly for this blog and certainly not least Susan shares her hope for the future we have in these uncertain times.

Susan shares, “I think every bereaved parent has moments during their week, most days in-fact, when their thoughts turn to their child that died. We spend those moments wondering about how they would look, what their personality would be like, what they would enjoy, what they would hate, and, if we are blessed with living children, how they would get on with their siblings.

“As we adjust to life in Lockdown I often wonder what our household would be like with the 4 girls vying for attention, sharing my laptop to do their work, coordinating so that we can all get out the door together for our daily exercise, and how much food I would need to feed all of them and my hubby and I! My thoughts often linger on how Alex & Eilidh Beth would have coped with this new normal ~ would they be as resilient as their living sisters, who have relished (mostly!) their home learning and coped incredibly well with being cooped up, or would they be emotional and have meltdowns about their new way of living.

“That’s the life of a bereaved parent, always wondering what life would be like if their child had lived.

“In these troubling times, we find hope in the positives, in the way our communities have pulled together to support the vulnerable households, in the way that key workers are keeping our country going, in the way that companies and organisations are stepping forward to lend support to so many. We must reach out to each other, lend an ear where needed, a virtual shoulder to lean on, or a virtual hug to show empathy and understanding.”

Susan has been campaigning for awareness with her family for a decade. They have travelled the length of the country to offer their support for others whilst Susan was the Highland Ambassador for SiMBA.

Susan is a Co-Founder and Trustee of a new SCIO, Anam Cara Fasgadh that is barely 12 months old – http://www.anamcarafasgadh.org, along with her husband Andrew and her Mother Irene who make up other Trustees. Their vision is to provide much-needed respite accommodation for families who have lost a child. A free escape from a cruel world and one which they are determined to achieve. Once again turning their own heartache into something positive in the name of her children. Even now in the Lockdown, she is taking part in the 2.6 Challenge that is taking the nation by storm. You can find Susan’s challenge here – http://www.justgiving.com/team/thesimpsoncampers

I can assure you that Susan and her family’s dedication will pay off and they will achieve their dream. Along with their other 4 Trustees and Founders, Jenni, Niki, Claire and myself we know it will work. This is also my own dream and one I’m so proud to be a part of with some amazing people.

I hope this has given a little insight into the life of 5 ordinary People achieving extraordinary things in memory of their little ones despite the world we live in. From Front line workers to Charity Volunteers. All have suffered one of the cruellest card’s life can deal you yet are still smiling, still optimistic and still caring for others in the hope they never suffer the same.

I’m proud of each and every one of them. I’m humbled for them allowing me to share their words and to talk about their precious children. I’m looking forward to introducing you to the next group of inspiring people who again light up this world with such enthusiasm.

We live in unprecedented times. Every day is an unknown as we look to survive. We will get through this. As long as Rainbows shine, as long as the Moon Glows and the Stars Sparkle. We are in this together now more than ever.

“Try to Be a Rainbow in someone’s cloud”
~ Maya Angelou