Today Anam Cara Fasgadh are delighted to welcome Darren and Kay Collier, founders of Rest With Joseph and Friends, Charity No: 1186675. The charity was established in 2019 with the aim of providing burial gardens for babies born through a late miscarriage. Darren and Kay have been together for 12 years, married for 7 years and live and work in Cornwall.
Kay shares, “We have had two rounds of IVF, the first attempt being unsuccessful, and the 2nd attempt we were elated to have gotten a positive result. But our son, Joseph James Collier was born sleeping at 23 weeks gestation. My waters broke at 21+ 5 weeks and his death was caused by an infection that I had.
“The pain and guilt is still hard to describe. We all say hello at the first scan, but how can you say goodbye? Throughout the scans you watch your baby’s heartbeat, their movements and their growth. They advise all is well and you get through the markers where you think you are safe. You get told you are having a son and the excitement builds. You start building their nursery to be a safe haven, in our case, a monkey jungle. You pick out names wondering what colour his hair and eyes will be and who he will look like and take after.
“Then one wet night, 2nd December 2018, at 21.03 your son is born, sleeping. You will never hear his cry, only the weeping from yourselves. He will never see you, but you see him. His perfectly formed small features, held in your arms. The grasp of his hand on your finger, the adoration and love for a son there, but knowing he will never sleep in his cot or play with the monkeys that are there in his room. He will never crawl across your carpet or shout the words “Mum” and “Dad” and “why?”
“Your son, born, known to you ... but known to no one officially. You know you have a baby. You know you have life that was made, but as he was born sleeping before 24 weeks, he legally does not exist. He has no birth certificate and therefore no death certificate. He does not exist. He has no place on your family tree. He is not only a baby you have lost, but also lost to the world forever. And even harder is the fact they class it as a late miscarriage and cannot even say he was a stillborn. Even though I had a natural labour and delivery.”
Kay goes on to share about their vision for Rest With Joseph and Friends, saying, “The mental and emotional pain is unbearable from the death of a child. It is made even harder knowing that he does not exist. From this experience, we wanted to help other grieving parents and set up a charity, Rest With Joseph and Friends, Charity No; 1186675 to provide burial gardens for babies born through a late miscarriage. To provide a natural garden, dedicated solely to these baby angels. A place where the rest of the family can go and be together and play alongside. A place for the parents to go and reflect and celebrate their life. A place where the child they know is known to the world. A place where the public will know they exist and a place where they are recognised. A place to get society openly talking, so you do not feel isolated from the world. It is a subject that is full of taboo and where society has its back turned as it is not discussed. Thank goodness for the baby loss charities out there for parents to fall too. The loneliness and silence you go through is unimaginable.”
Kay has this advice to share for bereaved families ~ “Don’t feel that you have to stay strong (this goes particularly to men) and hide your feelings because people will not think you are weak. People can imagine the loss you have experienced. Society feels awkward as they do not know what to say or understand the points of baby loss. Society needs to be educated and not kept in the dark.”
Kay shares, “Darren, Joseph’s Dad, raised funds to register the charity by riding a 20” BMX, dressed as a monkey from London to Truro last August Bank Holiday, with a campaign Ride 4 Joseph. The charity registration was then applied for and we got the number 1186675 on 29th November 2019, just before his first birthday.
We were aiming to do another campaign this year to raise funds to obtain the first piece of land for a burial garden. It involves the monkey back on a 20” BMX riding through Scotland, England and Wales, whilst climbing the famous Three Peaks. (Ben Nevis, Scafell Pike and Snowdon) We would have completed it 9th May, climbing Snowdon, but due to the Covid-19 situation, we have had to postpone till hopefully later in the year. The gofundme page was set up, but not promoted due to the current climate. The story can be read by following this link https://www.gofundme.com/f/bmx-monkey-rest-with-joseph-and-friends?utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer&utm_campaign=p_na+share-sheet&rcid=3c667dabefe84f05951e7b16cbf329d6. “
Kay continues, “With no actual land purchased, it has been hard to apply for grants and we have relied on birthday fundraisers at the moment to get money coming in. We cannot do any public events at present or any street collecting. We are registered on Smile Amazon, and easyfundraising where people can shop and give a donation from their purchases at no extra cost to them.
We have a website www.restwithjosephandfriends.co.uk where you can read our story and we have facebook. You can contact us through email restwithjosephandfriends@outlook.com. We have just set up a TikTok account where we hope to publish videos of events the #bmxmonkey encounters. We are looking into instagram.
We hope to gain as much support as we can to help other grieving families. The response has been very positive, and people have supported us so much. Not only from grieving parents, past and present, who have all expressed the much need and or desire to use our burial garden when we have it set up. We really need people to help us by donating however small, so other people can be helped. So babies have a place not only in the heart of the parents, but in the heart of the world. A permanent place for their baby to be buried where they will never be forgotten.”